Sincerely, Toothpicks

 
To whom it may concern,

I write to you to express my concern with what I have noticed is an ever-growing trend. Note, however, that this is by no means a recent phenomenon - in fact, it would be difficult to even ballpark a start date.

My organization and I are dedicated to broadening into worldwide appreciation what is now a less-than-elementary understanding of our culture. Suffice to say that we feel we have a very long way to go indeed to get our point across.

We have long been a tool for all mankind, and yet, we do not feel appreciated or at all lauded for our worth. In fact, I would say that it is quite the opposite.

While there are few celebrations of our kind, modern parlance is certainly not lacking in metaphors that take complete advantage of our size and stature. For example:

"Snap like a..."

"Thin as a..."

"Flimsy as a..."

Keep in mind, sir or madam, that we did not submit to the various ends to which you employ us willingly. Our historians hold no record of a time when any sort of accordances were struck between our societies, and I don't believe yours do, either.

It is with this in mind that I urge you to convince your colleagues and contemporaries to treat us with more respect - any respect at all, I would say. We demand nothing from you but your consideration, but I will urge you to remember that there will be consequences for your inaction.

We pledge to summarily stop all service in the name of your people. We are good at many things, not the least of which are holding sandwiches together, keeping plastic wrap off of frosted cakes and serving as the key piece that makes chicken cordon bleu a feasible entree for the common family. We would hate to deprive you of these conveniences, but we see no other alternative at this point in time.

So please, kind human, keep these points in mind, and perhaps welcome us into a global community that includes an ever-increasing variety of cultures and beliefs. As the saying goes, "it takes all kinds," and we would be more than happy to help make the world a better place - if only with a few minor considerations from your people.

Yours very sincerely,

T.P. Forster
Vice-President,
The International Toothpick Advancement Society (ITAS)
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Also, if you have a quick moment, check out these links:

An interesting and poetic piece about the old woman down the street, by one Andrew Kaspereen.

A look into what telemarketing might be like if there were zombies ("if?") by Pete Richter, hosted by xTx.

And a review of The American by Glen Binger (who is "not a movie critic") at The Broad Set Writing Collective.

For more by these three, and others, check out the "People" and "Links" tabs at the top of the page.
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Playing on my iTunes at this very moment:
Billy Joel, Allentown

To-do list

 
1. Continue to breathe oxygen.

2. Shower daily.

3. Shield your eyes from bright lights.

4. Walk forward three cars so you don't miss your stop on the train ride home, because no one is awake right now and even if they were, they wouldn't be even remotely interested in driving out to pick up your sorry ass.

5. Eat more carrots. You might get better night vision, which is awesome.

6. Write more.

7. Wash the car, it looks like shit.

8. Finally grow a pair and ask out that girl who works up on 14, because she's gorgeous and always smiles at you. Plus, she's seen you in a ridiculous chef's apron; how much worse could it get?

9. Move out.

10. Seriously, move out. Before you go batshit crazy.

11. Get promoted.

12. Spend less money.

13. Fight more crime. This may or may not require a sizeable dose of gamma radiation.

14. Get over whatever slight distaste for commitment you seem to have been stricken by. Otherwise #8 is going to be a lot tougher.

15. Start going to bed on time.

16. Apologize to people. You know which ones I'm talking about.

17. Keep your grammar tips to yourself. No one particularly likes to be corrected, you ass.

18. Pay back your parents for everything they've paid for over the past two years.

19. Start working out again. Wimp.

20. Realize, once and for all, that even though you think being atheist and liberal "obviously" makes you smarter than your ideological opposites, you are, in fact, a huge tool who knows exactly jack shit about how the world is, no matter how much you pretend otherwise.

21. Stop being an asshole on the road - regardless of how fucking stupid that d-bag from PA is being in front of you.

22. Don't give up on anything you really care about.

23. Relax.

24. Fall in love. Once again, refer to #8.

25. Don't complain about how things are.
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Playing on my iTunes at this very moment:
The Fall of Troy, Sledgehammer

Art

 
It was a face,
bloodied by paint and

shadowed in green mystery,
burdened with pride
and sinful foreshadowing,

if there is such a thing.
It vomited scorn and
held its eyes always in
a falling motion.

Fatal pretension, cast in
iron and worn like a dirty
mask, until, finally,

right hook.
Bang.
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Playing on my iTunes at this very moment:
Portugal. The Man, Horse Warming Party

Wire

 
This is the beginning of something new I'm going to try: picture prompts. The way I figure it, I have zero time during the week to develop and work out stories right now (until I shift locales to get closer to work), so I'm going to take the first word that pops into my head, image search it and use the first picture that catches my eye. Here's the first one: Wire.
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The city seemed to grow from all around me, keeping me awake where I stood like tiny pricks of the finger. I'd been here for years, but the miracle of human growth never ceased to underwhelm me. She pawed at my left hand, faint prodding in an attempt to move me to action - to move me at all.

"I've already seen everything," I told her. "This place holds no mysteries for me anymore - not in the daytime, not in the nighttime, not underground, not on the rooftops."

I left her and stepped further into the shopping bag-congested aura of life that flooded my sidewalk. My sidewalk. I'd laid claim to something I had never really even wanted. But this affront to my property offended me nonetheless. I was furious.

I felt her softness again, tickling persistence on the back of my neck and rubbing my shoulder.

"You can't control it all," I admitted to her. "That was my first mistake. I need to let it go."

Then my neck played wrecking machine, twisting my head in all directions as I sought my release. My physical cacophony settled high above my head, high above the rooftops, so high above my sidewalk.

I lowered my eyes and let them reach and rest on hers. She stared plaintively, eyes warbling interest - her need to know overriding her usual emotional sensibility.

"Just trust me," I told her. "It won't be a moment."

* * * * *

The city seemed to curl up from the edge of the earth, lulling me to sleep as it waved and wobbled to and fro, a silent plague that slowly crept from its focal point out into everything, stopping only to squabble briefly with tectonics. I heard her call to me, her sounds as cottony as her touch, urgent and calming, trying to keep me still.

"From here I know new boundaries," I spoke quietly to her. "This is what I've been pleading with myself to find for so long."
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Playing on my iTunes at this very moment:
Block Episode, Masta Ace (featuring Punch N Words)